Aging Parents and Alzheimer’s

Getting old is not easy, but Alzheimer’s makes it much more difficult for the patient and the family. This article explores both sides of the disease.

It is so difficult to watch someone you love get older and lose their quality of life.  My brother and I have watched our mother decline over the past five or six years. But six months after she was admitted to a nursing home, the result was drastic.

Alzheimer’s and Aging – Not for the Faint-at-Heart

My husband and I visited Mom in August two years ago on the Gulf Coast.  At the time, she seemed a little more frail than the last time I saw her. She seemed to forget things a little more often, but she was mobile. We even went to the beach park and had a picnic. I talked to her several times a week on the phone and heard the changes. She was really getting more forgetful.

After we left in August, though, she really went downhill fast.  I wrote the article Do You Have an Aging Parent?  about having to put her in a nursing home so she could get the care she needed.

But, our saga continued with my mother and her healthcare.  As her health went downhill, so did her memory.  The change from August to November, when we made it to the coast again to visit, was almost unbelievable.

When I entered the nursing home in November, I saw a woman slumped down in a wheelchair.  Her head was down as though she was staring at the floor, but her eyes didn’t seem to be focused on anything.  I called to her and as she looked up, her whole demeanor changed.  Mom knew me, but she was confused about where she was. She didn’t remember that my father died back in the early 70’s or that her parents had both died twenty years or so ago. She asked us several times why she was there, why her parents hadn’t come to take her home. It was heartbreaking.

Alzheimer’s – Cruel and Inhumane

It’s cruel, this disease called Alzheimer’s. It seems to claim more and more people each year. There’s something extremely unfair about aging with Alzheimer’s. You work hard all your adult life, expecting your “golden years” to be exactly that – GOLDEN.  But then you begin to forget things, and people you love no longer trust you to do the things you’ve always done.

Alzheimer’s is insidious. It takes away parts of you, bit by bit, until there’s nothing left of your former you . . . except the shell of a body that contains all that is left of who you once were. You begin to lose yourself and your independence, little by little.

Alzheimer’s and the Family

Alzheimer’s is horrible for the person who has it . . . but it affects the whole family as well.

Fear

If it only affected your parent, that would be horrible enough. But, let’s face it, one of the first things you think about is, “what if I am diagnosed with Alzheimer’s?” If one or both of your parents has Alzheimer’s, chances are increased that YOU may be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s someday. It’s not a guarantee, but chances are higher. This disease does seem to be hereditary, in many cases.

Because I’ve seen what it has done to my mother, I’m fairly paranoid each time I can’t come up with the word I want to say or forget why I was going downstairs. It’s like living with the idea someone might be holding a sledge-hammer over my head. I know someday the hammer could fall on me, but I don’t know for sure if there is a hammer or when, and I really have no idea when. So I stay as active as I can, both physically and mentally . . . and hope they find a cure soon.

From the cases I’ve seen, you can be living with Alzheimer’s several years and never know it (you don’t even know about the sledge-hammer). You forget a name, what you were going to do, faces . . . but it can be a slow progression. Then some triggering event occurs (the sledge-hammer whams you on the head)  – you may be injured and have to have surgery; you may need to go through some type of therapy; or perhaps you are placed in a nursing home until you can get strong enough to go home. Whatever the event, you become disoriented and confused. From there, quite often, it becomes a downward spiral until you have no idea where you are, what year it is, even who your family members are.

Get a Diagnosis

Besides fearing Alzheimer’s, there’s the care you must arrange for your family member. How do you take care of someone who doesn’t realize they have Alzheimer’s or refuses to acknowledge it?

You must get a diagnosis before you can do much for your parent. Back to my mom . . .  small things began to accumulate to show a larger picture – she was going through large sums of money and couldn’t remember where the money had gone; she couldn’t remember names of her cousins; and on one occasion she couldn’t remember how to get back to her house when she was out with a friend from out of town who was visiting her.

My brother and I arranged a doctor’s visit with a gerontologist in her town. By a process of questioning mom, he confirmed what we suspected – she had Alzheimer’s. Once diagnosed, we began to notice more things that were occuring . . . her depression, refusal to go out of her house, not changing out of her pajamas several days in a row.

Try to Keep Them Safe

Mom never acknowledged that she had Alzheimer’s and denied it every time she was asked. My brother and I were both afraid she would leave her house one day, get lost, and die on some back road before she could be found. When my brother took the keys for her car away, she was angry . . . I’m not sure she EVER forgave him for that.

We eventually had to unplug her stove after she almost started a fire when trying to cook a meal. My brother had to take away her credit cards and checkbook because she became unreliable with money.

I think the final straw for me was when she invited a complete stranger into her house to look around. The story was, the lady had heard Mom’s house had an addition on it and she wanted to see it. So Mom just invited her in and let her walk around. Sorry, but that freaked me out.

Sometimes the safest option is to put them in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. You do what you must to keep them safe.

The Long Goodbye

How do you handle the “long goodbye” as described by Ronald Reagan’s wife Nancy, of their years-long struggle as the disease slowly took parts of him away?

Some people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s live 10 – 12 years after the diagnosis. Some only live for a year or two after diagnosis. Every case is different. If you have the capability and space, you may decide to have your parent live with you until it becomes impossible to do so. Some companies will allow you to stay home and take care of a parent. Others, not so much.

Next Steps

If you are concerned about your mental state or worry about someone you love, take some positive steps to determine if your worries are founded. Check out my article on the Ten Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s. You will also find additional information in the Do You Have an Aging Parent?

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