Forty years? No way!

Forty years ago this month, my husband and I said , “I do” and made a commitment to our marriage.  We expected sixty or seventy years of wedded bliss.  Wedded bliss??  I crack myself up sometimes!  Have you ever known ANYONE who “lived happily ever after?” And, no . . . Cinderella doesn’t count.

Don’t let anyone kid you . . . there’s no such thing as “happily ever after.”  I’m not even sure we – as human beings – would want such a thing.  That sounds too much like a Stepford Wives movie.  But marriage can be a very good thing.  It just depends on how much effort you are willing to put into it.

Young Love

Forty years ago, we were young and in love, like pretty much every other newlywed couple.  We’re all so sweet and naive, aren’t we?  We start our lives together thinking everything is going to be beautiful for the next sixty or seventy years.  An exquisite home in the suburbs (with a swimming pool, of course).  Wonderful jobs with no stress and plenty of money.  Perfect children – natural athletes, top of their classes on their way to becoming doctors.  We know our love can accomplish anything and will always be this exciting and awe-inspiring.  We will grow old together, and one day, fall asleep in each others’ arms and pass into the next life together, hand-in-hand.

Ahhh.  Such a sweet dream.  But that’s exactly what it is . . . a dream.  So, let’s talk about real life.  Not the fairy tale, but real life with real people.

You Aren’t Perfect, Neither Is He

If you’re a real person, then hopefully you realize that you’re not perfect.  Okay, for some of you that may be harsh, but trust me. You. AREN’T. Perfect.

Once you realize you aren’t perfect, then it’s safe to assume that the person you are in love with is also not perfect.  WHAT???  How can that be?

We tend to look at the person with whom we’re in love through a set of lenses that just aren’t very clear.  Everything’s a little blurry:  you don’t see the rough edges, you don’t see the imperfections.  Those become clearer later on.

That perfect guy may have some quirky things that will drive you crazy once you’re married – like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, or leaving his dirty underwear on the floor in the bathroom.  That sweet, beautiful angel that you married uses dental floss while you’re watching TV together and that just grosses you out.  Maybe he leaves the lid up on the toilet and she snores when she sleeps.

Real life – real love – is about the ups and downs in a relationship and learning how to make your marriage stronger because of – and sometimes in spite of – them. It’s about being in the valley, but knowing it’s worth working together to get back to the top of the mountain again.

The Secret Sauce to Relationships

It’s interesting to see how many older couples are still together fifty, sixty or even seventy years after they were married.  Why do you think that is?  Several words come to my mind:  respect, patience, laughter, love and commitment.  All of those are important, but sometimes I  think the deciding factor is the commitment – willing to keep going and not quit – no matter what.

It’s easy to bail when things aren’t going your way, isn’t it?  Today, we’ve made it REALLY easy to walk out.  No judgement.  No fault.  Just walk.

Now, don’t get me wrong, here.  There are times when it’s necessary to walk out:  if there’s abuse or if you or the children are not safe . . . Get. Out. Immediately.  Do not hesitate.

More often than not, he said something that hurt your feelings or she only focuses on the kids now and you feel left out.  That’s not commitment.  Commitment is biting your tongue to keep from nagging or saying that hurtful thing you can never take back.  It’s realizing that she is stressed because she has to work late, go to Sarah’s band concert at 7:00, make the cupcakes for little Jimmy’s class tomorrow AND has no clue what to fix for dinner tonight.   Commitment is YOU offering to pick up dinner and cupcakes on your way home from work.  (FYI – you could very easily come off as the hero, here.  Hint.  Hint.)  It’s about putting the other person first in the relationship.

People who feel the world revolves around them find it hard to be in a committed relationship.  You can’t be the center of attention and have a good, healthy marriage.  That doesn’t work in a team – and I’m here to tell you, marriage definitely requires teamwork and commitment.  Drop the attitude and understand you have to work for anything that’s good, anything worth having.

What About Us?

Through our forty years together, we’ve had ups and downs.  We’ve been on top of the mountain – when each of our two sons were born, when we’ve welcomed grandchildren into the world, and so, so many other times.  But we’ve also had times in the valley – through a battle with cancer, being laid off from work – multiple times, losing parents, grandparents and friends.  We’ve had arguments over small things and some not-so-small things.

This winter I watched the Winter Olympics.  I especially love the graceful beauty of ice skating.  Several times, I caught myself wishing I could skate like that.  But there was a little voice in my head that spoke up and said, “Yes, that would be great – but you’re not willing to pay the price:

• you don’t like the cold
• you hate falling down
• never would you get up that early to practice every day
• there’s absolutely no chance you would be at the skating rink seven days a week for sixteen years before ever making your first Olympics appearance.

And you know, that voice was right.  I’m NOT committed to that dream.  But I AM committed to our marriage.  It is the hardest “good thing” I’ve ever fought for . . . this relationship that seems to defy all odds, that grows stronger because of the hard things.  Through it all, we remain committed to each other.  To our relationship.  To growing old together.

Worth the work?

Realistically, “wedded bliss” lives only in fairy tales – as in, “and they lived happily ever after.  The End.”

It takes commitment to make it through the good times and the tough times.  Is your relationship worth the work?  Are you willing to help the other one up if one of you falls down?  Are you both ready to work at your marriage seven days a week?  Do you have what it takes to be an Olympian?  And yes, to use another cliche, to “go for the gold”?  That’s what commitment looks like – being willing to make it work, whatever the odds.  We’re going for the gold, which incidentally, is our 50th anniversary, and whatever is beyond that.

Would I Do It All Over Again?

Oh, you betcha . . . in a heartbeat!!

People have asked us if it feels like forty years.  Honestly, I have no idea why someone would ask that question.  It’s kind of a “no win”.  If we say, “yes” then it sounds like we have a horrible marriage and every day seems like an eternity.  If we say “no” people just look at us like we’re crazy.  My usual response is, “You know, sometimes it seems like forty years, but more often than not, it seems like just a few years.”  And that, my friends, is generally the truth in any marriage.  During the hard times, it always seems like time is dragging and you’re never going to get out of that valley.  But when things are going well . . . you know what they say – “time flies when you’re having fun”.

The best advice I can give anyone is to try to laugh and find some fun in each day . . . even if you have to laugh about how bad things are.  Trust me, we’ve done that.  After about the fifth thing goes wrong in a day, we both just look at each other and crack up!  Laughter makes it better.  You feel united and there’s nothing you can’t handle together.

Next Steps

Spend time with your “honey” tonight, even if it’s just sitting side-by-side, holding hands and watching TV.

Before you leave for work in the morning, be sure to share a kiss.  When you get home from work, share another one.

Say the words, “I love you”.  Don’t just assume the other person should know . . . unless there’s a telepath in your family.  We need to say and hear those words from the people we care most about.

What about you?  How long have you been married/in a relationship?  What is the “secret sauce” to a long marriage?  Leave me comments below.  And sign up for notification each time a new article is published on this website.  Looking forward to hearing from you.

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